Random Quotes of Humor
by Aeris Deathscythe
Summary: This is a submission for the Zelda Fan archive humor fic contest. We had to use a bunch of random silly quotes to make the funniest fic we could. Please read and review!


Hey, here's my submission! It's kind of long, but I just kind of got on a roll and kept typing and typing.I wanted to put more humor in it than just using the quotes provided and I hope I did. I really hope you guys like this and thinks it's funny.humor's not really my thing, but I wanted to give it a shot.  
  
It was a dark and stormy night, and Link's senses were overwrought with the feeling that something bad was going to happen; and that was why he was on his way to see Princess Zelda. Of course, the drawbridge was, annoyingly enough, closed for the night, so Link spent a good twenty minutes throwing all the stones he could find at it in the hopes that that guards would hear it and open up. It did not occur to him that they would most likely not hear the rocks over the thunder, or not lower the drawbridge because they thought that the castle was under some sort of attack.  
After his failed attempt to get the drawbridge lowered, Link sat on Epona for a while, the rain drenching his body, trying to come up with a plan. And then it hit him; why not call Saria and ask for her help? So Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time, which Zelda had once again trusted him with, and played Saria's song.  
"Link? Is that you?" Saria's voice questioned over the ocarina.  
Link nodded then realized Saria couldn't see him. "Hello Saria, can you hear me now? Good!" Link replied.  
"Ummmmmmmmm, okaaaaaaaaay. Is something wrong?"  
"I'm outside of Hyrule castle but since it's night I can't get in because the drawbridge is closed," Link told her, shifting on Epona. Being wet was gross.  
"Why don't you just play the Prelude of Light and warp to the Temple of Time..?" Saria replied, adding a silent, moron.  
Link chuckled and scratched his head. "Huh, oh yeah. Oops. Bye!" Before Saria could reply Link cut her off and played the Prelude of Light and warped to the temple. After walking a bit, he made it to the castle and snuck in.  
He went straight to Zelda's room, and just as he had raised his hand to knock he heard Zelda's voice say, "That vorpal bunny looks somewhat familiar ..."  
Link blinked, then shrugged and knocked. "Who is it?" Zelda called out.  
"It is I, Ganondorf, master of evil!" Link answered in the deepest voice possible, trying to keep from laughing.  
"Just a moment!" Zelda replied, and Link distinctly heard the sound of clothes shuffling. Seconds later, the door was flung open and Zelda stood leaning against the doorway, dressed in a red silk lingerie dress. When her eyes fell on Link she frowned.  
"Oh, it's just you.Wait! What am I thinking! Come in!"  
Link allowed her to drag him into the room, unsure of whether or not his manliness had just taken a hit.  
"So what brings you here?" Zelda asked, taking a seat on the bed. She patted the spot next to her with one slender hand and Link nervously sat down beside her.  
"I just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen." Link replied, trying to focus on something, anything, besides Zelda.  
"Something bad? Well I do have a bad feeling about this.." Zelda affirmed.  
"About what?" Link asked, finally meeting her eyes.  
"You know," her nose crinkled up in disgust, "that."  
"No, I don't know. What the hell are you talking about?"  
"I don't like Spam! I'm allergic!" Zelda yelled at him, now thoroughly annoyed.  
Link, thinking that Zelda had gone insane, calmly and slowly said, "Talk to me like you're Saria and you think I'm a moron. What's going on?"  
Zelda sighed. "My servants brought up my snack and they brought spam, see?" She pointed to a silver tray on her bureau, where a cube of spam rested on a plate. "So now that you mention it, something is wrong because my servants know that I absolutely hate, as I am allergic to it, Spam. So why would someone bring it to me? We haven't hired anyone new as of late, so it could not be a mistake. So this logically leads to the conclusion that someone is trying to kill me."  
"Frankly Zelda, I don't give a damn," Link replied, and Zelda slapped him.  
"Is it Malon?! Is that who has taken you away from me?!" Zelda demanded to know, and Link held up his hands in defense, afraid she would hit him again. She hit pretty hard.  
"No, it has nothing to do with Malon," Link told her quickly, and it was as he was rubbing his reddened cheek there came a loud crash in the hallway and some not so brilliantly hushed swearing.  
Cautiously, Link crept forward and opened Zelda's door, sword held high. In the hallway stood a figure cloaked in shadow. The person made the motion to step forward, but Link yelled at the top of his lungs, "Stop right there, or I'll smite thee with the Deku Stick of Justice!"  
"The Deku stick of Justice? Isn't that the Master Sword?" the figure asked, stepping forward and showing herself to be none other than Malon.  
"Oh hey Malon! What are you doing here?" Link asked in surprise, sword still raised.  
"Well, I heard you call my name, so I came as fast as I could!"  
"Um, kay." I don't remember calling her name, Link thought, I only just said it. Link didn't have a chance to tell her so because suddenly there came a scream from Zelda's room. He and Malon both ran to see what was the matter, and to their horror, they saw Ganondorf, his back to them, towering over Zelda.  
"Stop right there or I'll smite thee with the Deku Stick of Justice!" Malon screamed, and Link added, "Yeah! That's right!"  
Ganon turned to face them, smiling. "Why, what a pleasant surprise! I just baked some cookies for everyone! EVIL cookies that is!"  
"It's true," Zelda said, coming beside him, munching on a cookie. "Wasn't that nice of him? These cookies are delicious!"  
Both Link and Malon sweat-dropped, and Link made no attempt to stop Ganondorf as he plucked Link's sword out of his hand and proceeded to break it into several pieces.  
That woke Link from his daze. "My.my.my.sword.WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" he wailed.  
"The sword of evil's bane... now in a convenient 6-pack!" Ganondorf said, his laughter booming off the walls.  
"You big meanie!" Malon cried, then, "awwwww Link, don't cry! I can fix it by singing!"  
Link promptly stopped crying and his face took on a look of horror and he blocked his ears quickly, Zelda doing the same. Malon began to sing, clasping her hands together and swaying from side to side.  
When she finished, Link and Zelda unblocked their ears and stared curiously at Ganondorf, who had a dreamy look on his face. "My, that was just lovely! And who might you be?" he said to Malon, and she looked very pleased.  
"My friends call me Malon. My enemies call me.Malon. You can call me...uh.Malon."  
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Ganondorf said, taking her hand within his own and kissing it while she blushed. "Say, wanna hear a joke? I heard it from one of my minions the other day."  
  
"Okay," Malon agreed.  
  
Link and Zelda sat on the bed, listening intently, eating evil cookies, as Ganondorf grinned. "What do you get, when you cross an insect with a rabbit?"  
  
"What?" Malon asked, and Ganondorf covered his mouth with his hand to hold back his laughter.  
  
"Bugs Bunny!" he announced, then promptly burst into loud guffaws of laughter, slapping his knee. This lasted for ten minutes until he regained his breath and said, "Isn't that the most hilarious thing you've ever heard?!"  
"I'm sure it was," said Impa from the doorway, her presence having gone unnoticed.  
"Oh hey Impa! What brings you here?" Zelda asked cheerfully.  
"And what exactly are you wearing?" Link asked, giving her an odd look. She was wearing a pink shirt and shorts combo with some weird scribbles on the shirt.  
Impa looked down at her shirt and then back up at him. "It's my pajama set. It says, 'fairy princess... with attitude', in the ancient Sheikah language. What, you don't like it? Pink's my favorite color, as it is Zelda's."  
  
"Pink, pink, pink, Pink, Pink, PINK!" Malon screamed, whilst shoving cookies in her mouth.  
Giving her a fearful look, Ganondorf took the plate of cookies away from her. "Umm, that's a little too much evil for you.."  
"Anyway, I heard some obnoxious sound coming from here and it kept me from sleeping, so I decided that it would be best if I made the source of the sound die in a horrible way," Impa said, watching Malon zip around the room until she crashed into a wall and fell unconscious.  
"Oh, that was Ganondorf laughing," Link told her, indicating the evil Gerudo with his thumb.  
"Which brings me to the question of, 'what the hell is he doing here? Did you not defeat him? Did we not seal him away? And why is he holding a plate of cookies?!"  
"Hey! That's very insulting you know. Ganondorf only failed because he didn't follow the Evil Overlord list. Don't be a fool also. It's only 50 rupees for one copy." Ganondorf said in his defense, then brandished a piece of paper with the words, 'Evil Overlord List' written on it in huge letters at the top.  
"And why is he speaking in third person?" Link asked nobody in particular, watching Zelda in confusion as she handed over fifty rupees and bought the list.  
"Thank you for your business, please come again!" Ganondorf said cheerfully.  
"I don't understand what's going on," Impa said, shaking her head solemnly.  
"Neither do I," Link concurred. "Hey! Maybe Saria will know! She knows everything! I ask her questions all the time! And she never gets annoyed with me no matter how stupid my questions are! Not like Navi.stupid fairy." Impa shrugged as Link got out his ocarina and played Saria's Song. "Hel-," Link began, but Saria cut him off.  
"Do not say what I think you're going to say," she snapped.  
"Ummm, are you okay Saria? Maybe you should lay off the growth hormones for a while."  
"Growth hormones?" Impa asked, snatching the Evil Overlord list from Zelda's hands. Saria heard her and growled over the ocarina.  
"It's a pain in the ass being 185 and looking like I'm 10..." she grunted out slowly.  
"Well okay then! Never mind!" Link said nervously, and put the ocarina away.  
"That was a waste of time," Impa said. "I wish we could ask the bearer of the Tri-force of Wisdom, but she seems to have gone evil."  
"Gone evil?" Link repeated in confusion, looking around the room. He spotted Zelda in the corner, wearing Ganondorf's clothes and armor, and saw the evil Gerudo curled up in the corner of the room, wearing nothing but a pair of green boxers covered with pictures of Link.  
"I'm a little disturbed at the moment," Link said, his eyes wide.  
"Don't worry about it. Darunia, he who wears no clothes, thought that it would be funny to steal all of the boxers in Hyrule, so everyone had to buy new pairs. By the time Ganondorf got to the store the only boxers left were the ones with your picture on them. Strangely enough, none of those had been sold."  
"Oh.Wait hey! I thought you didn't know anything about Ganondorf escaping! And why didn't anyone want my shorts?!"  
"Would you look at the time? Off to bed! I'm sleepy." Impa said, stretching her arms and yawning.  
"But what about Zelda?" Link asked quickly, and Impa stopped and thought for a moment as Link continued. "I mean, I knew I had a feeling something bad was going to happen." Link watched as Zelda checked off her list.  
"I wouldn't worry about it. She already runs Hyrule as it is. But she may try to kill you.and Ganondorf, eventually, when she reaches that part of the list. Goodnight!" Impa threw down a deku nut and disappeared.  
"Great, just great," Link said, his eyes falling on first the unconscious form of Malon, then the weeping Ganon, and then Zelda, who was grinning at him evilly. "Umm, yes?" he asked cautiously, backing away from her.  
"How would you like to be my lapdog?" she said, and Link blinked.  
"Well, under normal circumstances I'd say yes, but since you're evil and I'm good, it may not work out."  
"Why don't you listen to my evil plan first? I'm sure we could come up with some sort of agreement. You see, it all started when I was a young girl. My father bought me this horse who I named after Farore, one of the three goddesses. My little pony was named after her because she ran really really really really fast. And doesn't the name of your magic spell, Farore's Wind, sound like something that would move really really really really fast? Like the wind? So my father bought me this pony...remind me to kill him after you agree to be my lapdog so that I become queen..and anyway blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....."  
Link was trying really hard to pay attention, but frankly, he found her speeches exceptionally mind-numbing, hence forth, as all of his brain cells died away, he said, ". . . Wanna see my sword? It's SHINY!"  
Zelda stopped talking and looked at him, rolling her eyes. "You don't have a sword anymore, idiot. Ganondorf broke the master sword, and I stole your others while you weren't looking."  
Link vehemently shook his head and produced the good as new Master Sword in his hands. "WHAT?! Where did you get that?!" Zelda yelled, storming up to him.  
"Ummmmm, I found it?"  
"Give me that!" she cried, snatching it away. She studied it fiercely until she broke into laughter. "That's not the Master Sword! See?" She pointed to the small tag on the handle that read, 'Master Sword visual double'.  
"It's still shiny."  
"Oh shut up."  
"Well ummm," Link looked a little nervous now. "I shall ummm..smite thee with my deku stick of justice!"  
"How about instead you run away with me and we have lots of children?"  
"Ummmm, kay."  
And so Link and Zelda ran away and had lots of evil children, leaving Malon to rule as Queen upon marrying Ganondorf who became king.  
  
THE END  
  
Yeah, I know, it ended kind of weird.. 


End file.
